A Discussion Blog: Addressing Sexual Violence Through Consent Education

This blog post discusses sensitive topics, sexual violence, sexual trauma, non-consensual behaviours. Some readers may find the content distressing or triggering. Please consider your emotional well-being and consider whether you feel comfortable proceeding. If you need support, consider contacting a trusted friend, family member, or someone like me to work through things.

Reaching Out To Those Who Have Experienced Sexual Violence and Coercive Control

To those who have endured non-consensual sexual experiences or sexual violence: your well-being is paramount. Your emotions are legitimate, and you’re not isolated in your struggle. As someone who has both personal and professional experience in this area, I deeply understand the intricate emotional landscape and obstacles you might be navigating.

My approach is rooted in trauma-informed care, acknowledging that everyone’s trauma experience and coping mechanisms are unique. Please know that healing and recovery are attainable, and you possess the inner strength to progress on your journey. Should you feel ready for support, I’m here to offer empathetic and skilled assistance.

This blog addresses non-consensual sexual activity and sexual violence from a psychotherapeutic and educational perspective. It’s crucial to emphasise that such behaviour is never excusable or justified. My goal is twofold: to offer empathy, support, and resources to survivors, while also addressing individuals who need to change harmful behaviours. I aim to provide guidance and intervention strategies for those who must take responsibility for their actions and seek help to prevent future harm.

The recent Australian Institute of Criminology, Study on Sexual Violence Perpetration: Key Findings

The recent Australian Institute of Criminology, Study on Sexual Violence Perpetration (AIC), has brought to light critical issues affecting our communities. While the findings are concerning, I believe we need to approach this topic from a different perspective – one that emphasises comprehensive consent education, individual and community self-reflection.

The AIC’s 2024 study revealed that about 22% of participants reported perpetrating some form of sexual violence during adulthood, with nearly 10% doing so in the past year. These behaviours ranged from sexual harassment and coercion to assault and image-based abuse. While men were more likely to engage in these behaviours, a notable percentage of women also reported perpetration, primarily in forms of harassment or coercion. It seems such behaviour’s spanned across cisgendered participants of the study in various forms.

Using a Different Kind of Lens

It’s crucial to approach these findings with nuance. Many individuals who engage in harmful behaviour’s are influenced by outdated, non consensual cultural sexual and relationships scripts. This also includes learnt behaviours from school and peers, society, media and pornography, drug and alcohol addiction. Unfortunately, they may also have their own history of trauma or adverse sexual experiences. Which has not been dealt with therapeutically. I want to state this doesn’t excuse their actions but highlights the complex factors contributing to such behaviour’s.

I feel we often point to pornography as a primary culprit, but this oversimplifies a complex issue. While some pornography can reinforce harmful attitudes, we must acknowledge the existence of consensual, ethically produced content. Cindy Gallop’s MakeLoveNotPorn is an excellent example of how pornography can be contextualised through a healthy, adult, sex-positive lens. Such porn does exist and should be sourced as a healthy alternative to main stream porn for sex education and sexual pleasure.

Education Systems and Embodied Consensual Practices

Our education systems and governments have a responsibility to provide comprehensive sex education and consent training that goes far beyond simplistic “yes” and “no” scenarios. We need to teach what I call “embodied consent,” which includes:

1. 1. 1. Understanding the felt sense of consent in one’s body.
      2. Learning and practicing specific language for requests and boundaries, such as “May I touch you like this?” or “Will you touch me here?”.
      3. Exploring bodily sensations and emotions when requests are made or received.
      4. Acknowledging and normalising uncertainty, including how to express and respond to a “yes”, “no” and “maybe”.
      5. Recognising that consent is dynamic and an ongoing process, it never stops.
      6. Understanding the dynamics of “yes”, whilst its affirming to activity it’s not fixed, it can change and its ok to change. That yes doesn’t mean doing what you please.
      7. Avoiding alcohol and drugs when engaging in sexual activity with a partner.

It’s crucial to understand that consent is more complex than a simple “yes” or “no”. We need to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel unsure and that consent is very much a dynamic and ongoing process. This approach doesn’t excuse harmful actions, but it helps us understand the complex factors that contribute to such behaviour’s.

Educational systems would benefit greatly from incorporating more nuanced approaches to consent, such as the Wheel of Consent developed by Dr. Betty Martin. This model provides a framework for understanding different aspects of giving and receiving in intimate interactions, helping individuals navigate the complexities of consent with greater awareness and confidence. The Wheel of Consent is the model I use in somatic sex education, and my Adelaide counselling practice.

Recognising Our Non-Consensual Behaviours and Actions

The study found that about one in 10 participants perpetrated sexual assault in adulthood. A limitation was that some participants might not have recognised their behaviours as sexually coercive or violent, for example non-consensual kissing and non-consensual touch.

Such behaviours (non-consensual kissing and touch) historically often occur and start out in a new relationship without much thought about what this means. For example, leaning over for a kiss, or automatically touching someone’s thigh without asking, or changing suddenly to a non-agreed activity. Consider a couple who began their relationship with a specific form of touch or action, continuing it routinely without much thought. Perhaps it involves pleasuring each other’s genitals in a particular way, only to discover later that one partner never enjoyed it and was merely doing it to please the other, with neither realising the other’s true feelings. Why? Because both partners never asked for consent, and were never in consent with one another, or checked in.

This is what I discern as little violations, which turn into bigger violations. Addressing the little V’s because they are still bodily violations are important to stopping the bigger violations from occurring. P.S. DON’T THINK a little V is me minimising consensual boundaries, this is a phrase I use to address a widespread issue: many people, regardless of gender, simply mimic romantic behaviours they’ve seen portrayed in society, media, cultural sexual scripts, movies, and pornography throughout their lives, without critically examining, or truly feeling into these actions. For instance, it’s considered romantic to kiss your partner at the wedding altar in front of family and loved ones. However, this raises an important question: did you ask for consent before that kiss? I can guarantee you 99.9% of people did not in this situation.

The scenario above underscores the importance of ongoing communication and consent in relationships. It’s crucial to ask questions like, “May I touch your genitals like this?” followed by, “Yes, you may.” and then, “Actually, that doesn’t feel good, could we stop, or try it this way instead?”. If this sounds like something you haven’t been doing, then it’s time to have some serious conversations with your partner, and it’s also time to chat with me. By acting without consent, you’re continuing to contribute to the problem of sexual violence.

Seeking Help and Re-Educating Yourself

If you’ve identified patterns in your behaviours that concern you, know that help is available. Seeking support from a specialist in consent and sexuality can provide a safe space to explore these issues, such as myself. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

When working with a practitioner like me, you can expect:

1. 1. • No excuses or minimisation of past harmful behaviours.
      • A focus on gaining deep insight into the impact of your actions.
      • Development of tools to prioritise consent in your life and relationships.
      • A challenging but crucial process for your growth and for protecting others.
      • Exploring bodily sensations and emotions when requests are made or received.
      • How to appropriately react and behave when you hear a “no”, or not sure about engaging sexually.
      • Exploring your own emotions and behaviours  around “no” .
      • How to respond to “yes” or “maybe” situations.
      • Development of new language around consent, how to better communicate sexual, and non-sexual requests.
      • Work through the lens of restorative justice.
      • An opportunity to be part of positive social change.

Moving Forward

While the AIC study provides valuable insights, it also had limitations. It didn’t capture the full spectrum of experiences across all age groups or diverse communities. However, it does inform prevention and intervention strategies.

As a society, we need to foster open, honest conversations about consent, healthy relationships, and respect for others boundaries. This includes creating safe spaces for individuals to explore their behaviours and seek help without fear, and for survivors to have safe, supportive spaces to heal. And if we can educate everyone about healthy consensual behaviours then hopefully we can reduce sexual violence in our communities.

Finally

Understanding sexual violence is complex, but crucial for creating a safer, more consensual society. Whether you’re grappling with your own behaviour or seeking to support others, remember that change is possible, and help is available. Together, we can work towards healing, understanding, and positive change. Remember, every step towards awareness and seeking help is a step towards a healthier, more consensual community for us all.