This article explores how anger, shutdown, depression, erectile difficulties, and relationship strain in men can sometimes be signs that something deeper is going on.

There has been a lot of conversation lately about men, masculinity, and what is going wrong! Some of that conversation is useful. Some of it can also feel abstract, blaming, or a long way from what it is actually like to be living as a man who is struggling and does not quite know how to say it.

In my practice, men do not usually come in saying, “I think I’m depressed” or “I’m sad.” More often, they talk about anger, burnout, relationship stress, erectile difficulties, feeling flat, shutting down, drinking more than they want to, or a general sense that something is not right. Sometimes they are worried about the impact they are having on other people. Sometimes they mostly know that they are not feeling like themselves.

That is part of why I wanted to write this. Depression in men does not always look like sadness on the surface. It can look like irritability, numbness, overwork, withdrawing, risk-taking, anger, or emotional shutdown instead. If that gets missed, men can spend a long time getting worse while the people around them see only “the behaviour” and not the distress underneath it.

Why This Can Be Hard To Recognise

A lot of men grow up learning that strength means coping on your own, staying in control, and not showing too much uncertainty, pain, or vulnerability. Sadness may feel unfamiliar or unsafe, while anger, stoicism, competitiveness, or emotional distance can feel easier to access. So when life starts to become too much, some men do not look obviously depressed. They look irritable, flat, shut down, harsh, restless, or hard to reach.

This is also part of why some public conversation about men misses the mark. The More in Common and Movember report found that the word “masculinity” itself can create barriers because many people now immediately hear “toxic masculinity,” and that can shut down engagement rather than open it up. The same report found that concrete, relatable language works better than abstract framing when talking about men’s health and wellbeing.

That does not mean harmful behaviour should be excused. It means men are often more reachable when the conversation sounds real and grounded. What is happening in your relationship? What has been getting harder lately? What happens when anger is the only feeling you can find words for? What have you been carrying on your own for too long?

When Depression In Men Does Not Look Like Sadness

For some men, depression looks more like anger than despair. It can look like being constantly on edge, snapping quickly, losing interest in sex or closeness, drinking more, taking more risks, feeling emotionally flat, or pulling away from the people who matter most.

For some men, depression does not just show up as feeling low or sad. It can show up as anger, irritability, drinking more, shutting down, taking more risks, working constantly, or feeling emotionally flat. On the inside, though, there is often still distress, hopelessness, shame, or a sense of being disconnected from yourself.
What can make this harder to notice is that the outside picture does not always match what is happening underneath. A man might look busy, frustrated, detached, or hard to reach, while actually feeling overwhelmed or worn down. When that happens, the signs can get missed or misread as a bad attitude, rather than understood as a person struggling.

Research on male depression is useful here because it helps put this into plain language. Depression in men can involve irritability, anger that feels out of proportion, escapist behaviour, alcohol or drug problems, risky behaviour, and controlling or abusive behaviour alongside more familiar symptoms such as hopelessness, fatigue, poor sleep, and reduced pleasure (Winkler et al., 2005; von Zimmermann et al., 2023)

This does not mean all anger in men is depression. It does not mean depression excuses harmful behaviour either. It does mean that anger should not automatically be read as just a bad attitude or fixed character flaw when it may also be carrying distress, shame, trauma, burnout, or depression underneath.

What This Can Look Like

For many men, the more useful question is not “Do I have depression?” It is often something more like, “What has changed in me?” or “Why do I feel harder, flatter, or more reactive than I used to?”

This can look like:

• Feeling on edge most of the time, snapping quickly, getting into repeated arguments, or saying things in anger that you regret later.
• Feeling emotionally flat or numb, and losing interest in sex, hobbies, exercise, friendships, or everyday life.
• Working longer and longer hours or staying constantly busy because slowing down feels uncomfortable.
• Drinking more, using substances more often, or taking more risks because it feels easier than stopping and feeling what is underneath.
• Withdrawing from people, becoming harder to reach, or feeling like anger is easier to access than sadness, fear, grief, or shame.
• Feeling exhausted, tense, sleeping badly, or carrying stress in your body without really knowing how to talk about it.
• Noticing sexual changes such as loss of desire, sexual disconnection, performance pressure, or erectile difficulties, especially when stress, depression, trauma, or relationship strain are also present.

None of these experiences on their own proves depression. They can overlap with trauma, burnout, anxiety, substance-related problems, relationship stress, or medical issues. But when several of these patterns are happening at once, and they are starting to affect your relationships, your sex life, your work, or how you feel about yourself, it is worth taking seriously.

When Feelings Are Hard To Name

Another useful lens here is alexithymia. That word can sound technical, but the basic idea is simple: some people have real difficulty identifying and describing what they are feeling. Mental health professionals working with men often see this pattern in men who can tell they are tense, angry, numb, or off, but cannot easily say whether there is sadness, shame, fear, grief, or overwhelm underneath.

Alexithymia is not a diagnosis on its own. It is better understood as a pattern of reduced emotional awareness that can make distress harder to recognise, talk about, and respond to clearly. That matters because some men do not first experience distress as “I feel depressed.” They experience it as body tension, irritability, numbness, exhaustion, sexual disconnection, headaches, gut tension, or a sense of being constantly keyed up.

The research here matters too. Alexithymia is positively associated with depression severity, with especially strong links for difficulty identifying feelings and difficulty describing feelings. It is more common among people with elevated depressive symptoms than among people without depression, and that it was more common in men than women in that study. In men specifically, alexithymia has also been linked with alcohol use, drug use, angry or aggressive behaviour, risk-taking, and suicidal ideation, even after controlling for depressive symptom severity.

In practice, this means some men are not only distressed. They are also struggling to work out what they are actually feeling until that distress is already showing up in behaviour, conflict, physical symptoms, or withdrawal.

What This Can Look Like

This might look like:

• Knowing you feel angry, flat, or numb, but not being able to say much more than that.
• Saying “I’m fine” while your sleep, drinking, sex life, work patterns, or relationships are clearly changing.
• Struggling to answer a question like “What are you feeling?” and replying with thoughts, facts, or events instead of emotions.
• Noticing headaches, chest tightness, gut tension, fatigue, or sexual changes before you notice any emotional shift.
• Snapping, shutting down, or reaching for alcohol, porn, gambling, work, or distraction before realising there may have been hurt, shame, grief, or fear underneath.

This does not mean there are no feelings there. It means the link between your inner experience and your emotional language is harder to access. When that happens, anger, avoidance, substances, physical symptoms, or shutdown can start doing the talking instead.

What a Trauma-Informed Lens Adds

A trauma-informed approach does not shame men for having learned rigid survival strategies. It pays attention to context, adaptation, and impact. Many men have histories of bullying, humiliation, emotional neglect, family violence, sexual trauma, chronic criticism, or pressure to perform and stay in control. Some have never had a safe place to feel grief, fear, tenderness, or vulnerability without feeling exposed or weak.

In that context, anger can become an organising emotion. It can feel more tolerable than helplessness. It can feel safer than shame. It can feel more available than sadness. That does not make it harmless, but it can help explain why it becomes such a strong pattern for some men.

A trauma-informed lens also matters because it stops us collapsing explanation into excuse. A man may be carrying pain, trauma, shame, depression, or emotional disconnection, and his behaviour may still be harming other people. Both things can be true. That is often where the real work begins.

What Support Can Look Like

If you recognise yourself in any of this, support does not have to start with having the perfect words. In my practice, men often begin by talking about anger, burnout, irritability, sex, performance, erectile difficulties, shutdown, relationship strain, or a sense that something is not right. Others come because they are worried about behaviours in the past, or patterns in the present, that may have harmed partners, children, or other people in their lives. Often, both are true at once.

Over time, the work can involve understanding what sits underneath these patterns, building a clearer emotional language, strengthening accountability, and finding safer, more grounded ways to respond. This kind of work can sit within counselling, mental health support, and trauma-informed counselling in the sex therapy space. For some men, the starting point is depression, stress, trauma, sexual disconnection, or erectile difficulties. For others, it is concern about anger, control, intimacy, shame, relationships, or harmful behaviour.

In my practice, the aim is not to shame men or reduce them to a label. It is to offer a private, thoughtful space where distress and behaviour can both be taken seriously, where difficult patterns can be understood more clearly, and where accountability, care, and change can sit alongside each other so that lives, relationships, and sexual wellbeing feel more connected, honest, and sustainable.

You’re Welcome Here

You’re welcome here if anger, shutdown, stress, shame, low mood, sex, intimacy, pain, or your relationship with your body has started to feel like too many bricks in the wheelbarrow. You may not have all the words for it yet, but you know the load is getting heavier, and something about the way you are carrying it no longer feels sustainable.If you are in Adelaide, elsewhere in Australia, or overseas, and something in this piece about men’s mental health, trauma-informed sex therapy, intimacy, sexuality, or healing has resonated, you are welcome to start working with me and book a session. Our work together can become a space to make sense of what has been weighing you down, whether that is anger, pressure, disconnection, erectile difficulties, relationship strain, shame, trauma, or a sense that life has become harder to carry than it should be.

You do not need to come in with everything sorted out. It is enough to know that the load is getting too heavy and that you want help making it lighter. Whether you are carrying stress, numbness, fear, low desire, pain, frustration, or a relationship that no longer feels manageable, your experience matters.

If this article resonates, and you’re looking for support that is warm, collaborative, and trauma-informed, you’re welcome to book your first session with me.

Book your first session here.

References

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Honkalampi, K., Hintikka, J., Tanskanen, A., Lehtonen, J., & Viinamäki, H. (2000). Depression is strongly associated with alexithymia in the general population. *Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 48*(1), 99–104. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0022-3999(99)00083-5

Kealy, D., Ogrodniczuk, J. S., Rice, S. M., & Oliffe, J. L. (2018). Alexithymia, suicidal ideation and health-risk behaviours: A survey of Canadian men. *International Journal of Psychiatry in Clinical Practice, 22*(1), 77–79. https://doi.org/10.1080/13651501.2017.1324992

Macdonald, J. A., Greenwood, C. J., Francis, L. M., Harrison, T. R., Graeme, L. G., Youssef, G. J., Di Manno, L., Skouteris, H., Fletcher, R., Knight, T., Williams, J., Milgrom, J., & Olsson, C. A. (2020). Profiles of depressive symptoms and anger in men: Associations with postpartum family functioning. *Frontiers in Psychiatry, 11*, 578114. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.578114

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2024, February 13). *Male depression: Understanding the issues*. Mayo Clinic.

More in Common, & Movember. (2025, August). *Communicating men’s health, well-being and masculinity: Summary version*. Movember.

Seidman, S. N., & Roose, S. P. (2002). The relationship between depressive symptoms and male erectile dysfunction: Cross-sectional results from the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. *Psychosomatic Medicine, 64*(1), 96–104.

Winkler, D., Pjrek, E., & Kasper, S. (2005). Anger attacks in depression: Evidence for a male depressive syndrome. *Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 74*(5), 303–307. https://doi.org/10.1159/000086321

von Zimmermann, C., Weinland, C., Kornhuber, J., Lenz, B., & Mühle, C. (2026). Masculine depression and acute mental health burden. *Scientific Reports, 16*, 11606. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-026-44727-7