In this article, I talk about what coercive relationships can look like, how coercive control is being recognised in South Australia, some of the more confusing and grey areas that can leave people doubting themselves, and how trauma-informed specialist counselling and sexology can support recovery. This article provides general information from a therapeutic perspective only and should not be taken as legal advice (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023; Government of South Australia, n.d.).

Because this kind of abuse is often patterned rather than dramatic, it can be difficult to name. Coercive control is increasingly described in Australian practice guidance as a pattern of behaviour aimed at controlling, intimidating, degrading, isolating, or frightening another person, and that pattern can be subtle, cumulative, and hard to explain from any one incident alone (Victorian Government, 2021a, 2023).

If this is leaving you confused, exhausted, or questioning yourself, you are not imagining it. Coercive relationships often create self-doubt, fear, and disorientation, and your responses may make sense in the context of what you have been living through (Attorney-General’s Department, 2024).

What Is a Coercive Relationship?

Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, frighten, isolate, or restrict another person. South Australian guidance describes it as an insidious form of domestic abuse that can undermine a victim-survivor’s autonomy, identity, and sense of worth, and may include restricting movement, money, relationships, communication, faith, or private and sexual choices (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

This can happen in current or former intimate relationships, and it may involve emotional abuse, financial abuse, surveillance, intimidation, sexual pressure, reproductive control, or repeated tactics that erode a person’s sense of autonomy. What matters is not only a single incident, but the cumulative pattern and the impact it has on a victim-survivor’s freedom and wellbeing (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Victorian Government, 2023).

What It Can Look Like

Coercive relationships can look different from one person to another. Common experiences include being checked up on constantly, being isolated from friends or family, having money controlled, being criticised or humiliated, being made responsible for another person’s jealousy or anger, or feeling like it is easier to comply than face the consequences of resistance (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023; Government of South Australia, n.d.).

For some victim-survivors, the impact also shows up in sexuality and intimacy. They may feel pressured around sex, unable to say no safely, disconnected from desire, uncertain about consent, or ashamed of what is happening in their body and relationship (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Victorian Government, 2023).

Many victim-survivors do not recognise coercive control immediately. The pattern can be subtle, cumulative, and difficult to explain, especially when it is mixed with affection, apology, promises to change, or periods of calm (Victorian Government, 2023; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

Signs a Relationship May Be Coercive

A checklist cannot define a relationship on its own, but it can help some people notice patterns that have been difficult to put into words. It may be worth pausing if several of these experiences feel familiar (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

• You feel watched, checked up on, or monitored a lot (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).
• You are being pulled away from friends, family, work, study, or support (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).
• Your money, transport, phone, passwords, or access to important resources are being controlled (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).
• You feel pressure around sex, touch, contraception, reproductive choices, or sexual availability (Government of South Australia, n.d.).
• You are often told that you are too sensitive, dramatic, or the problem (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).
• You find yourself changing your behaviour to avoid criticism, anger, punishment, or retaliation (Victorian Government, 2023; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).
• You no longer feel like yourself, and you are constantly second-guessing your own perceptions (Victorian Government, 2023).
• If you recognise yourself in some of these experiences, that does not mean you are “going crazy.” It may mean you have been living in a relationship dynamic that has made it hard to feel grounded, safe, and clear about your own needs and reality (Attorney-General’s Department, 2024).

When It Is Not Clear-Cut

Coercive control is not always obvious from the outside. Physical or sexual violence do not have to be present for coercive control to exist or to have serious traumatic effects, and what looks like care, protectiveness, or relationship normality to others can feel frightening, restrictive, or deeply destabilising to the person living it (Victorian Government, 2023; Victorian Government, 2021b).

Sometimes the grey areas are where victim-survivors feel most stuck. The behaviour may be explainable in isolation, but the overall pattern leaves little room for freedom, ease, privacy, or genuine consent (Victorian Government, 2023).

This might look like a partner who insists on joining every outing because they “just love being with you,” yet becomes cold, punishing, or accusatory if you have any independent contact with other people. It might look like repeated comments framed as jokes about your body, sexuality, trauma, or mental health that leave you feeling smaller, more ashamed, or afraid to speak honestly (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023; Victorian Government, 2023).

It can also look like constant questions about where you are, who you are with, and when you will be home that are framed as concern, but gradually become monitoring, tracking, or interrogation. In intimate relationships, it may include sexual pressure presented as expectation, obligation, or proof of love, rather than overt force, which can leave a person unsure whether what happened was serious enough to name (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Victorian Government, 2023).

Another grey area is when someone repeatedly tells you that your memory is wrong, your reactions are excessive, or your distress proves you are unstable. Over time, this can make it difficult to trust your own body, judgment, and perception of events, even when something feels clearly off inside you (Attorney-General’s Department, 2024; Victorian Government, 2023).

These experiences are common in coercive relationships precisely because they are cumulative, relational, and often mixed with affection or apparent normality. Many victim-survivors say it took time to notice the pattern and to trust their own sense that something was not right (Fitz-Gibbon et al., 2024; Victorian Government, 2023).

International research shows that coercive control is not only about relationship dynamics but also about mental health. A recent systematic review found that coercive control is moderately associated with post-traumatic stress and depression, which reinforces what many victim-survivors already know in their bodies: these experiences can have deep and lasting effects (Ford et al., 2024).

Sometimes it is also complicated by other factors such as mental health issues or undiagnosed mental health concerns, attachment difficulties in the person using the harm, past trauma or similiar relationships. These can genuinely affect insight, regulation, and the way someone relates, and it can be hard to untangle what might be intentional and what might be shaped by mental health, trauma, disability, distress, or relational skill gaps. At the same time, these factors do not erase the impact on the victim-survivor, and they do not excuse patterns of fear, domination, or ongoing distress. It is possible for someone to be struggling with their own mental health and still be responsible for addressing behaviour that leaves another person feeling unsafe, controlled, or harmed.

Naming what has been happening can sometimes be a first step in seeing the pattern more clearly and recognising which parts of it may need care, attention, or change. For some people, that might mean seeking support to heal from what they have lived through; for others, it might mean getting help to understand and stop behaviours that are causing fear, harm, or loss of safety for a partner or family member. And in my practice, I work with both people who have been harmed and people who recognise they have caused harm and are committed to changing their behaviour.

The South Australian Context

South Australia has passed legislation criminalising coercive control. South Australian government information explains that coercive control is now recognised more explicitly in law and includes controlling behaviours that restrict movement, action, social and economic participation, decisions about the body, and access to justice, necessities, services, or property (Government of South Australia, n.d.).

This matters because it reflects a broader recognition that domestic and family violence is not only physical. It can also involve patterns of entrapment, domination, surveillance, fear, and deprivation that seriously affect a person’s daily life, safety, and sense of self (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

For readers elsewhere in Australia, there is growing recognition of coercive control nationally, but legal pathways and support systems can vary between states and territories. If you need legal advice about your situation, it is best to speak with a qualified legal service in your own jurisdiction (Government of South Australia, n.d.; Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

This broader practice lens is also reflected in Victoria’s MARAM framework, which treats coercive control as central to understanding family violence risk and encourages practitioners to look beyond isolated incidents to the wider pattern of domination, coercion, and fear over time (Victorian Government, 2021a, 2023).

Related work from Australia has also described legal systems abuse, where perpetrators weaponise legal processes and victim-survivors struggle to be believed, highlighting why responses to coercive control need to be trauma-informed and genuinely centred on victim-survivors’ safety and voices (Fitz-Gibbon et al., 2025).

Making Sense of Coercive Control Through Trauma-Informed Specialist Relational Violence  Counselling and Sexology Lens

One of the hardest parts of a coercive relationship is that it can leave a victim-survivor unsure of what is real, what is reasonable, and what they are allowed to need. Trauma-informed specialist counselling can help make sense of that pattern gently, at your pace, and without pressure, blame, or judgment.

A sexology-informed approach adds something essential here. Coercive relationships often affect not only emotional safety, but also bodily autonomy, consent, desire, arousal, sexual confidence, and the ability to feel present in intimacy, and these are areas that require specialist knowledge rather than a purely general counselling frame.

In trauma-informed specialist relationship violence counselling and sexology, the work may include understanding the dynamics of coercion, rebuilding clarity, reconnecting with your body, strengthening boundaries, and supporting a greater sense of safety in yourself and your relationships. For some people, this also means gently exploring the effects on sexuality, shame, disconnection, intimacy, or the difficulty of knowing what feels safe and wanted.

This kind of work can also draw on a forensic sexology lens where relevant, particularly when a person is trying to make sense of coercion, consent violations, sexual harm, or the complex overlap between relational abuse and sexuality.

You do not have to have all the answers before reaching out. You do not have to be ready to leave, label the relationship, or make any major decision in order to deserve support.

If you are trying to make sense of a coercive or controlling relationship, trauma-informed specialist counselling and sexology can offer a space to explore what has been happening and reconnect with clarity, safety, and self-trust.

For people in Goodwood and across Adelaide, trauma-informed specialist counselling and sexology are available in person. For victim-survivors elsewhere in South Australia, around Australia, and overseas, virtual/telehealth sessions mean this specialised support can also be accessed beyond Adelaide, where clinically appropriate and within legal and professional guidelines.

While the legal details can differ between states and territories, the core needs for safety, validation, choice, and clarity are similar for victim-survivors of coercive and controlling relationships across Australia.

Support

If a relationship leaves you feeling consistently afraid, controlled, confused, watched, or unable to act freely, those experiences matter. Support is available, and you do not have to wait until things become worse to seek help (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023; Victorian Government, 2023).

If there is immediate danger, call 000. South Australian services also direct people to coercive control information, legal services, and intervention order support pathways, and the free Legal Helpline is available on 1300 366 424 (Legal Services Commission of South Australia, 2023).

You’re Welcome Here

You’re welcome here if something in this article has felt uncomfortably familiar. You may not have all the words for it yet, but you know that something about this relationship, and the way you have had to carry it, no longer feels sustainable.

You may be living with confusion, fear, shutdown, shame, sexual pressure, self-doubt, hypervigilance, body disconnection, or a relationship that has slowly come to feel smaller, tighter, and harder to breathe inside. You may not be sure whether what you have experienced counts, only that it has changed the way you feel in yourself, in your body, and in your intimate life.

If you are in Adelaide, elsewhere in South Australia, around Australia, or overseas, and something in this piece about coercive control, trauma-informed specialist counselling, sexuality, consent, or recovery has resonated, you are welcome to start working with me and book a session. Our work together can become a space to make sense of what has been happening, whether that includes coercion, relationship confusion, sexual shame, trauma, intimacy difficulties, body-based distress, or the ongoing impact of living in a relationship that has not felt safe or free.

You do not need to come in with everything sorted out. It is enough to know that something feels wrong, that the load is getting heavier, and that you want support making sense of it with someone who understands trauma, sexuality, and the more complex or grey areas of coercive control.

If this article resonates, and you are looking for support that is warm, collaborative, specialist, and trauma-informed, you’re welcome to book your first session with me.

Book your first session here

References

Attorney-General’s Department. (2024). *Understanding coercive control and economic and financial abuse*. Australian Government. [https://www.ag.gov.au/families-and-marriage/publications/understanding-coercive-control-and-economic-and-financial-abuse](https://www.ag.gov.au/families-and-marriage/publications/understanding-coercive-control-and-economic-and-financial-abuse)

Fitz-Gibbon, K., Walklate, S., & Meyer, S. (2024). *The criminalisation of coercive control: A national study of victim-survivors’ views and experiences*. Australian Institute of Criminology. [https://www.aic.gov.au/crg/reports/crg-24-20-21](https://www.aic.gov.au/crg/reports/crg-24-20-21)

Fitz-Gibbon, K., Walklate, S., & Meyer, S. (2025). Incredible women: Legal systems abuse, coercive control and the credibility of victim-survivors. *Violence Against Women, 31*(3–4), 767–788. https://doi.org/10.1177/10778012231220370

Ford, J. D., Haselgruber, A., Knefel, M., & Cloitre, M. (2024). The trauma and mental health impacts of coercive control: A systematic review and meta-analysis. *Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 25*(1), 630–647. https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380231162972

Government of South Australia. (n.d.). *Coercive control in South Australia*. Attorney-General’s Department. [https://www.agd.sa.gov.au/law-and-justice/consultation/coercive-control-in-south-australia](https://www.agd.sa.gov.au/law-and-justice/consultation/coercive-control-in-south-australia)

Legal Services Commission of South Australia. (2023, June 30). *SEE THE SIGNS of coercive control*. [https://lsc.sa.gov.au/cb_pages/news/SeeTheSignsOfCoerciveControl.php?lscsa_prod%5Bpage%5D=13](https://lsc.sa.gov.au/cb_pages/news/SeeTheSignsOfCoerciveControl.php?lscsa_prod%5Bpage%5D=13)

Victorian Government. (2021a, July 15). *MARAM practice guides: Foundation knowledge guide*. [https://www.vic.gov.au/maram-practice-guides-foundation-knowledge-guide](https://www.vic.gov.au/maram-practice-guides-foundation-knowledge-guide)

Victorian Government. (2021b, July 20). *Evidence-based risk factors and the MARAM risk assessment tools*. [https://www.vic.gov.au/maram-practice-guides-foundation-knowledge-guide/evidence-based-risk-factors-and-maram-risk-assessment-to](https://www.vic.gov.au/maram-practice-guides-foundation-knowledge-guide/evidence-based-risk-factors-and-maram-risk-assessment-to)

Victorian Government. (2023, January 11). *Coercive control – MARAM animation video series*. [https://www.vic.gov.au/media/307309](https://www.vic.gov.au/media/307309)