“Women seek help. Men die.” – Angst & Ernst, 1990

This stark quote from my recent Movember Foundation (2025), Men in Mind mental health practitioner training stopped me in my tracks. After completing this evidence-based program, developed by Movember and the Australian psychological researcher Dr. Zac Seidler and presented alongside Clinical Psychologist Dr. Amelia Scott, I’ve gained crucial insights into why men struggle to engage with therapy—and why this matters more than ever. Especially when it comes to my own private practice. The Men in Mind program helped me better understand the complexities of men’s mental health and masculinity so I can deliver care that truly engages, motivates and connects with my clients.

The Hard Reality – I Was Thunderstruck

Despite all my training and experience, I’ll be honest: engaging men in therapy is incredibly difficult. The research tells us that men often simply walk away from therapy when there’s a rupture in the therapeutic relationship, frequently without explanation. As a therapist, I’ve witnessed this pattern too often. I worry about the men who never return to see me. Yes, this is about “caring”—my job involves caring for clients, regardless of gender. But there’s something particularly heartbreaking about watching men struggle in isolation when help is available.

The statistics paint a sobering picture. Research shows that up to 50% of men who die by suicide have been in contact with health services in the year prior to their death. This challenges the simplistic narrative that men don’t seek help, plenty do seek help yet still slip through the cracks, I was thunderstruck when I learnt of this. Maybe its time for a bit of AC/DC to describe the felt sense of this unsettling experience.

The “Peacock Dance” And The Quick Fix Mentality

In my practice, I see a familiar pattern with some male clients. Many come for a first session and never return. Often, these men are looking for a “quick fix” or “specific advice”. They want something, or someone to help solve their problems immediately. Sometimes male clients are looking for understanding and validation around behaviours or decisions that stem from societal pressures about masculinity. They may be struggling with conflicting messages about how they should be as men, and they’re seeking support as they navigate these challenges. I totally get it; many men are problem-solvers, fixers, builders and action-takers, we need something tangible to work with right?

What I’ve come to understand is the “peacock dance”, in therapy, this is where a client (man) will challenge and test my professional boundaries to determine whether I’m the right person to work with and share their inner thoughts. It’s a way of assessing my strength and trustworthiness as a man (Movember Foundation, 2025). And generally I’ve noticed the client and I will spend the whole first session doing this dance. Reflecting on this as a practitioner, often leaves me feeling like I’ve spent an entire session caught in a power struggle rather than doing meaningful therapeutic work. Its not about who’s got the biggest Toyota, if you get my drift! When life gets challenging, men need someone who truly understands their experience. That’s exactly what I provide. With specialised training, proven qualifications and credentialing, I’m equipped to guide men through whatever struggles their facing.

Here’s what I tell all my clients: I can’t give you advice on how to live your life, or make choices for you. I will, however, hold strong boundaries while gently challenging you to see how healthy boundaries work. And I’m always upfront, I cannot offer a quick fix. Therapy is a experiential process that starts with getting to know each other, and that takes time. Even more so if there’s elements of trauma or sexual concerns. In 60 minutes, I cannot possibly cover the complexities of your entire life, let alone the challenges of the past month.

It’s important to have realistic expectations about the timeline for therapy. Therapeutic progress happens gradually over time; that’s simply the nature of how therapy works. Consider how long it took to develop your closest friendships; those meaningful relationships didn’t form overnight but evolved through countless interactions and shared experiences. Therapy follows a similar pattern, building trust and creating meaningful change through consistent work over weeks, months, or even years. I know the mention of “years” might make you sceptical, cringe, maybe some eye rolling, but long-term therapeutic relationships can be beneficial if indicated. “Some” not all of my clients have worked with me for over a year through fortnightly or monthly sessions. This extended timeline is perfectly healthy as long as we continue making progress together. It’s also important to understand that setbacks are a natural part of the process, they don’t indicate failure, but rather the normal flow of therapy. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

The Weight of Masculinity – This Cuts Me To The Core

Research by Cleary (2017) in the Journal of Mental Health revealed troubling insights. After interviewing 52 young men who had recently attempted suicide, researchers found the men struggled with identifying symptoms and disclosing distress, difficulties they linked directly to pressures of masculinity. Despite being known to counselling services and receiving referrals, 53% attended for less than a month or never showed up at all. Almost half attempted suicide again, and six men died by suicide. Its really obvious that we have cracks in the mortar here and men are slipping through (Movember Foundation, 2025).

One of the most powerful concepts I learned in the Men in Mind training was the “masculinity perception gap”—the distance between societal expectations and a man’s personal beliefs. This gap creates a barrier that prevents men from being themselves, as society tells them to act and feel one way while they might genuinely want to act differently. Or simply forbidden from showing emotion altogether. The casual Australian “she’ll be right, mate” delivered to someone who’s struggling feels profoundly conflicting—a response so apathetic and dismissive that it reveals a troubling lack of interest or concern for genuine suffering is a mans world. 

If you’re a man, consider this: What is it about society’s definitions or ideals of masculinity that makes you feel you can’t be authentic? It’s worth examining why these external pressures make you override your own sense of self, and as we know from  studies if self is conflicted and overwhelmed by such rigid expectations it can tragically end in an early death. This curious, kind of exploration, understanding where these expectations come from and how they’ve shaped your choices can be really valuable work to do in the confidential therapy space.

The research shows us that “men who experience particularly high social pressure to ‘be a man’ are most likely to respond with aggression when experiencing a threat to their manhood.” (Men in Mind, 2025). As my learning continued in the course I noted: “Peer behind the mask, it’s clear that as much as we might like to think otherwise, these ‘traditional masculine norms’ are still front and centre in many men’s lives. They can feel like a mask many men feel they have to wear” (Movember Foundation, 2025).

A Personal Mission

As a man myself, I cannot continue to watch this pattern unfold in my practice. I care deeply about men, how we engage with each other, how often they feel drowned out by society, how they’re frequently conflicted by advice from social media influencers. So the Men in Mind training has allowed me to focus on “how to best work with men”. Not what therapy should be for them, or how to “influence” their life.

A Different Approach

Modern masculinity isn’t about throwing out everything old and embracing everything new. It’s about helping men find a path that respects their desire for personal values like self-reliance and stoicism while reinforcing the benefits of flexibility in applying them (Movember Foundation, 2025).

Men considering seeking me for therapy, here’s my challenge: “test it”. You don’t buy a new car without taking it for a test drive.

Give at least three sessions a try. The first session is always clunky doing a bit of a peacock dancing, the second is about chilling out, and the third is where we start peeling back some layers if you choose.

When life has got you by the balls, why not give therapy a real chance? And this also applies to men who don’t have balls due to cancer, or some other situation/condition.

Therapy An Investment That Pays Dividends 

Let me be direct about something: counselling is an investment, not an expense.

Think about it this way, you wouldn’t trust your car to the dodgiest mechanic you could find, especially if it’s a vehicle you depend on daily. Your health, is your most critical operating system, the foundation that everything else in your life runs on. Studies show that men don’t view therapy as a worthwhile investment and are reluctant to pay for it (Movember Foundation, 2025).

When you pay for private therapy, you’re not just buying my time, you’re investing in expertise, confidentiality, and a therapeutic relationship tailored specifically to your needs. You’re choosing to work with someone who has spent years learning how to help people navigate life’s complexities, someone who can provide you with tools and insights that will serve you long after therapy ends. The fees you pay also help other men by keeping my practice running. Essentially mates keeping other mates safe,

Consider what poor health costs you: missed opportunities, strained relationships, problems with your penis, decreased performance at work, ongoing health problems, addiction, numbness, that have plagued you for years. Now compare that to the cost of investing in your psychological wellbeing with a skilled professional like myself who understands how men process emotions and navigate challenges. I know which one I would choose, but hey I am a little biased at this point.

Did you know issues with sexual function frequently correlate with mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, societal pressures around masculinity, sexuality, lifestyle factors, unresolved trauma, and emotional challenges in relationships. Understanding these connections can be really important for addressing the root causes rather than just the symptoms. I’ll be honest as a counsellor and psychosexual therapist—these challenges aren’t simple, and they often demand that we dig beneath the surface to uncover what’s really driving the problem. These are rabbit holes in my view, we descend for a while, then emerge again.

Just as you’d pay for car insurance to protect your vehicle or any other asset, or a personal trainer to optimise your physical health, private and confidential therapy is about investing in your psychological fitness. The return on investment isn’t just about feeling better, it’s about becoming more effective in every area of your life.

And finally, take a moment to reflect on these important questions: What could you potentially gain by going to therapy? What might you miss out on if you choose not to go? These are deeply personal questions that only you can answer (Movember Foundation, 2025).

Moving Forward

The reality is that when a man comes to see me I am not just fighting against reluctance to seek help (jeepers just writing that hit me hard) but working against centuries of conditioning that tells men they must handle everything alone. I call this bullshit. And the evidence is clear: when men do engage authentically in therapy, they can heal, grow, and thrive.

Therapy is no easy street. It requires you to show up to a session and process some difficult stuff (Movember Foundation, 2025).

As a therapist I understand the unique challenges men face. As a society, we need to create space for men to be vulnerable without judgment. And as individuals, we need to recognise that seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s an act of courage and strength, and not to buy into the old aspects of masculinity. Strength and courage comes from a healthy mind and body.

The quote that opened this article, “Women seek help. Men die”, doesn’t have to be our reality. We can do better as men, we can do better as a society, I can do better as a therapist, and it starts with understanding, compassion, and a willingness to meet men where they are, not where we think they should be.

So, if you’re a man reading this what are you waiting for? Schedule time to see me. And mate, in the meantime take care of yourself.

I want to share this powerful Movember video called “Spot the Signs” with you. It follows a group of men struggling with their mental health and offers valuable insights on recognising warning signs – both in the people around you and in yourself. It’s an important watch that could help you support a friend or recognise when you might need support too.

Reference

Movember Foundation. (2025). Men in mind. https://meninmind.movember.com/